My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.

By then, it was too late.

*.*

In what’s being called a miraculous breakthrough, researchers at the University of Washington announced Monday a promising new treatment for the unfortunate male hairstyle known as a “man bun.”

The cure is reportedly comprised an inexpensive operation using a pair of shears, coupled with a psychiatric follow-up administered by a medical professional designed to help the victim come to the conclusion that they need to make better decisions about their life.

“In early clinical trials, our aggressive treatment plan has shown a nearly 98% success rate,” Dr. Ivan E. Orlov told reporters excitedly. “While a small number of patients later relapsed into gathering their unkempt, sometimes thinning hair into a malformed growth near the back of their head, the vast majority enjoyed sustained recovery and a happy post-man-bun life.”

According to Orlov, early experimental treatments like making fun of the subject, covering the deformed lump with a hat or beanie, and waiting for the patient to come to his senses proved ineffective.

“We found that the malicious growth had to be attacked from the root in order to see a marked recovery in the patient,” Orlov said.

University researchers are confident the treatment will be approved by the FDA in coming months, along with similar treatments for people who still wear fanny packs.

*.*

Oneliners:

You aren’t actually afraid of being left alone in your house, or in the forest; You’re afraid that you AREN’T alone.

If phones warned that listening at a high volume may cause damage to headphones instead of hearing, more people would probably keep their volume lower.

Cops saying “if you lawyer up, you look guilty” is like saying ” if you wear your seatbelt, you look like your going to get in a car accident”

It’d be horrifying if babies could scream from inside the womb instead of just wiggle and kick.

Anxiety is like when video game combat music is playing but you can’t find any enemies.

It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly.

Watching a graduation ceremony is like sitting through a movie that’s entirely end credits.

Your future self is talking shit about you.

The first person who inhaled helium must have been so relieved when the effects wore off.

If race horses could comprehend that victory meant a lifetime of leisure and sex they’d probably run even faster.

If you’re no longer covered by your parent’s health insurance, your manufacturer’s warranty is over.

Sleeping in is considered lazy, but going to bed early is not.

You know you’ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.

A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you.

When you introduce two different groups of friends to each other, it’s like your own life’s crossover episode.

*.*

The Coast Guard “a.k.a. Baby Navy” begins reselling seized cocaine amid government shutdown

SAN DIEGO — With the Coast Guard being the only branch of the military whose members may go without during the current government shutdown, the service has decided to resell the nearly $1 billion dollars worth of cocaine seized in the past six months to supplement pay for the 42,000 men and women on active duty.

With Coast Guardsman needing to pay mortgages, rent, food, and travel expenses, the service weighed various options to cover the services many costs, such as a GoFundMe campaign, mandatory intermittent fasting, bread-lines at military galleys, and turning the Coast Guard’s small boats into party boats and their cutters into cruise liners.

Officials said that since the Coast Guard was the only part of the military under the Department of Homeland Security, it left them as the only military service not being paid as other branches continued to receive funding during the shutdown. Nevertheless, those other services don’t have over 20 tons of pure uncut cocaine in storage to sell to the highest bidder, according to multiple sources.

Besides the federal drug sale, Navy Federal Credit Union has announced a relief program offering a zero-interest loan to qualified affected members, while USAA has offered a free sponsored coffee mug to use while members panhandle outside of all Coast Guard bases.

*.*

Least Likely Names for the New NHL Team in Seattle:

1. The Grande Double-Shot No Foam Soy Milk Lattes
2. The Not-the-Mariners
3. The Amazon Prime Free Shippers
4. The Frozen Sonics
5. Oh!, For Puck's Sakes

Quote of the Times;
"Huge corporations have displaced the blue-collar proletariat in the hearts of elites. Corporations embrace a progressive agenda that costs them nothing. In exchange, they get to maintain the economic status quo that has made them billions. The company's affluent customers get to imagine they're fighting the power by purchasing the products, even as they make a tiny group of people richer and more powerful." – Carlson

Link of the Times;
https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1051230784986714112.html

Issue of the Times;
Muslim Doctor Admits Deliberately Giving Jews the “Wrong Meds”; Media Ignores by Paul Watson

Imagine if the roles were reversed?

The mainstream media in America has completely ignored a bombshell story about a Muslim doctor in in Ohio who admitted to deliberately giving Jewish people the wrong medications.
27-year-old Lara Kollab was fired from her position as an Internal Medicine Resident at the Cleveland Clinic, Ohio, after tweets were uncovered in which she spread anti-Semitic hatred on Twitter for at least 6 years.
The tweets, collected by the Canary Mission website, include trivialization of the Holocaust, open support for terrorist groups and comparisons of Israel to Nazi Germany.
However, by far the most disturbing tweet was her response to another Twitter user when she remarked, “Hahha ewww..ill purposely give all the yahood the wrong meds.”
“Yahood” is a derogatory term that Muslims use to refer to Jews.
The only media outlet in the United States to pick up the story was the Hill. Outside of America, only RT and the Daily Mail have covered it so far.
Every major television news network and newspaper in the country has otherwise ignored it.
One wonders what the media reaction would have been if a right-wing Christian doctor had admitted to giving Muslims or black people the wrong medication – probably national outrage.
As for this story – it’s nothing but crickets.

Thanks to the Mueller investigation, the #1 most popular Christmas gift this year is Hush Money.

*.*

Lindsay Buckingham says that Stevie Nicks was behind him getting kicked out of Fleetwood Mac. He can still hear her saying, "You can go your own way."

Lindsay always wanted to be the best.

Now he's the Pete Best of Fleetwood Mac.

*.*

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman.

Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him.

When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.

"Well, Your Honour," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"

*.*

Outside a pharmacy, in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle. He was just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"

Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had a terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."

Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now."

Assistant says, "Sure he does. I gave him a box of our strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough."

*.*

There were over a dozen vegetable recalls in 2018.

Not a single recall on bacon.

Just sayin'...

Quote of the Times;
The price of gold is over $1200 per ounce. 80 hours of work per ounce. Henry Ford paid his workers $5 a day when gold was $20 per ounce. Four eight-hour days of work per ounce. If wages had risen with inflation, the average wage for low-skilled labor would be around $30 per hour.

Link of the Times;
https://moonbattery.com/postcards-from-san-francisco/

Issue of the Times;
Trump's Success Reflects Conservative Failures by Andrew Klavan

Donald Trump is a mirror that drives men mad.

There are plenty of legitimate reasons to dislike Trump the man. He can be rude and unkind — as when he publicly tormented his loyal supporter Jeff Sessions. He can play fast and loose with the truth — as when he declared he made no money in Saudi Arabia after bragging about all the money he made in Saudi Arabia. And he’s often lived badly, so that his former escapades sometimes rise up to stain the presidency — as with Stormy Daniels.

But for all that, he is doing an excellent job as President of the United States. Lower taxes and wiser regulations are spurring the economy. ISIS is scattered. Excellent judges are being appointed. Sanity is being restored to our Middle East policy. And — as opposed to the dark days of the Obama administration — the White House seems to be acting within the Constitution and the law.

No conservative who cares about fending off the left’s assault on our founding principles — especially the First and Second Amendments that Hillary Clinton so openly despised — can be wholly displeased with Trump’s first two years in office. And yet some on the right, or at least ostensibly on the right, continue to hate the man with a passion, and seek to foil him both in Congress and the press.

The reason for this, I think, is more psychological than political. Through his flawed character, Trump reflects our political failures back at us. We ask ourselves: Why did we need such a man to accomplish what he has accomplished? It’s easier to blame him than to face the real answer: we failed to do it ourselves.

On the left this is obvious. Barack Obama hates Trump because Trump reflects the failure of his policies and his vision. The press hates Trump because he reflects their failure to do their job in covering Obama’s incompetence and corruption. Left-leaning women hate Trump because he reflects their failure to expose and condemn the hideous treatment of women by the Clinton-led Democratic party.

But Trump reflects failures of conservatism as well.

The appeal of his America First policy reflects the failure of the neo-conservative freedom agenda, an over-ambitious over-reaction to 9/11 that cost an unpaid-for fortune and left the Middle East in a shambles.

The appeal of his belligerence on trade and his focus on jobs reflects the conservative failure to serve the suffering heartland. Too many conservative intellectuals thought that fine theories about globalization and high disdain for the need and dysfunction of dying communities were somehow supposed to replace useful strategies. They forgot what James Madison called "the object of government, which is the happiness of the people."

Maybe most importantly, the appeal of Trump’s battles with the press, celebrities and the NFL reflects the conservative failure to mount an effective counter-offensive against the left’s domination of our culture. It was we conservatives who allowed the left to take over Hollywood, the news business and academia, and they have used those powerful tools to colonize our manners and our minds. They have divided the races and stoked rage and bitterness among us. They have made men afraid to speak their minds and taught women to despise their own natures. They have steeped the young in ignorance about the glories and responsibilities of freedom. It took a man like Trump, who doesn’t care about good manners, to give back to the left the shoddy and uncivil treatment they have given the rest of us for so long.

There is nothing wrong with conservatives criticizing the president’s policies when we disagree with them. But on the right, the ceaseless disdain for his largely successful administration, and the attempts to grandstand and virtue signal at the expense of his effectiveness, reveal a neurotic refusal to assess where conservatism went wrong and what Trump got right.

What we hate about him is that, with all his flaws, he’s doing what we couldn’t do. He’s a mirror of our failures, and it drives us insane.

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling. "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!"
*.*

A frog goes to have his fortune told. The swami looks at his little webbed palm and says, "Aha! You're about to meet a beautiful young lady who is going to want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "Thanks! I'm going to run right back to the pond so I won't miss her."

The swami says, "You won't meet her at the pond. You're going to meet her in her freshman biology class."

*.*

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every Sunday.

I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

*.*

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

*.*

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where the hell was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Quote of the Times;
“We are happy when we are growing.” - Yeats

Link of the Times;
http://stuartschneiderman.blogspot.com/

Issue of the Times;
Belloc’s Prophecy by Joseph Sobran

Back in the 1930s, when white men were preparing for another round of mutual slaughter, few of them paid any attention to the Muslim world. They assumed it to be a backward region that history had long since passed by.

One man saw it differently. The great Catholic polemicist Hilaire Belloc, an Englishman of French ancestry, remembered Islam’s past and predicted, in his book The Great Heresies, that it would one day challenge the West again. As late as 1683 its armies had threatened to conquer Europe, penetrating all the way to Vienna; Belloc believed that a great Islamic revival, even in the twentieth century, was altogether possible.

Belloc saw Islam not as an alien religion, but in its origins as a Christian heresy, adopting and adapting certain Christian doctrines (monotheism, the immortality of the soul, final judgment) and rejecting others (original sin, the Incarnation and divinity of Christ, the sacraments). Its simple, rational creed had a powerful appeal to Arabs who had known only the arbitrary gods of grim pagan religions. It swept the Arab world, then made converts — and conquests — far beyond Arabia.

Islam was a militant religion from the start. Mohammed himself conquered the entire Arabian Peninsula in just a few years. The new faith was torn by violent internal divisions even as it continued to spread. But spread it did, with incredible rapidity.

Christians had good reason to fear Islam, which soon conquered Spain and held it for centuries. But because Islam has little attraction for Christians, the West has generally failed to grasp its appeal for others, its profound and permanent hold on the minds of believers. Unlike the Christian West, the Muslim world has never had crises of faith like the Reformation and the Enlightenment.

Islam is a simple religion, easily understood by ordinary people. Its commandments are rigorous but few. When it conquered, its subjugated people often felt more liberated than enslaved, because it often replaced burdensome old bureaucratic governments with relatively undemanding regimes — and low taxes. As long as its authority was respected, Islamic rule was comparatively libertarian. It offered millions relief from their traditional oppression; for example, no Muslim could be a slave.

Belloc distinguishes sharply between Islam and such barbarous conquerors as the Mongol hordes of Genghis Khan. The Mongols were purely destructive; they were known for slaughtering whole cities and making huge pyramids of severed heads.

Such savagery was alien to the Muslims. Where they conquered, daily life usually went on much as before and culture thrived. In many respects the Muslim world was far more civilized than Christian Europe for centuries. The West hated and dreaded Islam, but nobody would have thought of calling it backward.

That contemptuous image came much later, when modern Europe’s science, technology, and — above all — weaponry had eclipsed those of the Arabs. We are apt to forget how recently this development occurred; and, as Belloc warned, it is not irreversible.

Man, especially irreligious man, is apt to equate power and progress. Many of those who say America is “the greatest country on earth” really mean only that America has fantastic military might, capable of annihilating any other country — and some of them, at the moment, are in the mood to do some annihilating.

To the pious Muslim this attitude seems crass and barbaric. He may conclude from it that the decadent West understands only one thing: force. And would he be far wrong?

Belloc admitted that the idea of a new Muslim challenge to the West seemed “fantastic,” but only because the West was “blinded” by “the immediate past.”

Taking a longer view, he saw Islam, though inferior in material power, as having a great advantage: its religious faith was still strong, while the West was losing its religion and consequently its morale. He thought it entirely possible that Islam would catch up technologically, while he doubted that the West would undergo a spiritual revival.

Are we seeing the beginning of the fulfillment of Belloc’s prophecy? If so, the current uproar over Islamic terrorism may turn out to be a mere superficial symptom of a much larger historical drama. The West is still strong, but it is dying. Islam is still weak, but it is growing. Never mind the terrorists; check the birthrate.

A good pun is its own reword.

Is a pessimist's blood type always b-negative?

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you.

*.*

It Snowed Last Night.

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive.

8:37 - Accused of using a black face on the snowman...snowpersons.

8:39 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.

8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.

10:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman...

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of snowflakes.

*.*

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Hospital
for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to have some of his
blood type stored in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had an extremely rare
type of blood that couldn't be found locally,
the call went out around the world.

Finally, a Scotsman was located who had
the same rare blood type.
After some coaxing, the Scot donated
his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the
Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace
for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars
in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to
undergo a further corrective surgery
procedure. Once again, his doctor
telephoned the Scotsman who was
more than happy to donate his blood.

After the second surgery the Arab
sent the Scotsman a thank-you card
and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the
Arab did not reciprocate his kind
gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him:
"I thought you would be more generous
than that. Last time you sent me a BMW,
diamonds and money, but this time you
only sent me a lousy thank-you card and
a crappy box of chocolates?"

To this the Arab replied:
"Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood
in me veins."

*.*

Kickass Facts:

Once the Queen bee is deemed to be unfit to serve due to old age or disease, worker bees cluster tightly around her body until she dies from overheating. This process is known as “cuddle death.”

When a person is electrocuted and thrown far off, it is the result of sudden and violent muscle contraction and not the result of the shock. This has raised questions as to the actual strength and capabilities of the muscles in the human body.

Adjusted for inflation, the U.S. federal minimum wage has dropped 20% from 1967 to 2010.

There is a bill known as the “Cheeseburger Bill” which makes it illegal for people to sue food companies for making them obese.

During one of his innumerable Presidential affairs, John F. Kennedy tore a groin muscle and had to wear a stiff shoulder-to-groin brace that prevented the reflexive ducking, which might have saved him from the second fatal bullet.

The phrase “Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day; teach him how to fish, and he’ll eat for a lifetime,” did not come from an ancient Chinese proverb, the Torah, the Bible, or any other such place. It was coined by Anne Isabella Ritchie, the daughter of William Makepeace Thackeray in 1885.

The act of hitting something until it works is called “Percussive maintenance”.

Some orthodox Jews in the New York use caffeine suppositories for fasting, because it’s not “eating”

*.*

It's funny how the hip-hop "booty" is different from the old-time pirate "booty".

Yet if you have either of them, you can pretty easily get the other.

Quote of the Times;
“However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.” – Churchill

Link of the Times;
https://www.zerohedge.com/news/2018-12-03/mueller-withheld-details-would-exonerate-president-over-trump-tower-moscow

Issue of the Times;
Blind to Real Problems by Walter E. Williams

For several decades, a few black scholars have been suggesting that the vision held by many black Americans is entirely wrong. Dr. Shelby Steele, a scholar at Stanford University’s Hoover Institution, said: “Instead of admitting that racism has declined, we (blacks) argue all the harder that it is still alive and more insidious than ever. We hold race up to shield us from what we do not want to see in ourselves.”

Dr. John McWhorter, professor of English and comparative literature at Columbia University, lamented that “victimology, separatism, and anti-intellectualism underlie the general black community’s response to all race-related issues,” adding that “these three thought patterns impede black advancement much more than racism; and dysfunctional inner cities, corporate glass ceilings, and black educational underachievement will persist until such thinking disappears.”

In the 1990s, Harvard professor Orlando Patterson wrote, “America, while still flawed in its race relations … is now the least racist white-majority society in the world; has a better record of legal protection of minorities than any other society, white or black; (and) offers more opportunities to a greater number of black persons than any other society, including all those of Africa.”

During an interview in December with The Daily Caller, Steele said the anti-Americanism that started during the 1960s and has become mainstream and visible in the black community is “heartbreaking and sad.” That anti-Americanism that so dominates the American black identity has been “ruinous to black America, where we are worse off than we were under segregation by almost every socio-economic measure.”

Some people might challenge Steele’s assertion that in many measures blacks are worse off than during segregation. How about some numbers? As late as 1950, female-headed households were only 18 percent of the black population. Today 70 percent of black children are raised in single-parent households. In the late 1800s, there were only slight differences between the black family structure and those of other ethnic groups. In New York City in 1925, for example, 85 percent of kin-related black households were two-parent households. According to the 1938 Encyclopaedia of the Social Sciences, that year 11 percent of black children were born to unwed mothers. Today about 75 percent of black children are born to unwed mothers. From 1890 to 1940, a slightly higher percentage of black adults had married than white adults. Today about twice as many blacks have never married as whites. The bottom line is that the black family was stronger the first 100 years after slavery than during what will be the second 100 years.

What about the labor market? In every census from 1890 to 1954, blacks were either just as active as or more so than whites in the labor market. During that earlier period, black teen unemployment was roughly equal to or less than white teen unemployment. As early as 1900, the duration of black unemployment was 15 percent shorter than that of whites; today it’s about 30 percent longer. Would anyone suggest that there was less racial discrimination during earlier periods?

White liberals and the Democratic Party are the major beneficiaries of keeping black people fearful, angry, victimized and resentful. It’s crucial to both their political success and their efforts to change our nation. Racial harmony would be a disaster for leftists, be they politicians, academic liberals or news media people. As for black politicians and civil rights hustlers, Booker T. Washington long ago explained their agenda, writing: “There is another class of coloured people who make a business of keeping the troubles, the wrongs, and the hardships of the Negro race before the public. Having learned that they are able to make a living out of their troubles, they have grown into the settled habit of advertising their wrongs — partly because they want sympathy and partly because it pays. Some of these people do not want the Negro to lose his grievances, because they do not want to lose their jobs.”

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

*.*

Stan Lee was working on a new character "Dirt Man" at the time of his death. A super hero unless it rained. Then his name was Mud.

Scientists are saying that 536 A.D. was the worst year in history to be alive. The study obviously didn't include Oakland Raiders fans.

Finally, a Christmas without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews, and my bottle of Jack Daniels.

Samsung's top secret Galaxy S phone is said to have 5G capability along with six cameras. AND, it makes phone calls!

The average American will put on 6-pounds during the holiday season. Finally, I'm above average!

I can never remember the correct spelling of Massachusetts. I always let spellcheck handle that for me.

I'm feeling rejected. Siri just told me to go ask Cortana.

I’d never want to get into a snowball fight with Frosty the Snowman. I mean, wouldn’t you be just slightly curious where those snowballs came from?

*.*

FORT HOOD, Texas — Army 1st Lt. Gina Caffey, the first woman selected to attend the Maneuver Captain’s Career course in Fort Benning, Ga., is mere days away from being crushed when she discovers the tragic lack of ponies the modern Cavalry Branch offers to its female officers, sources say.

“I plan to name mine ‘Death Sparkle,'” said Caffey, dropping a bottle of Mane ‘n’ Tail into her rucksack next to the 12 pairs of socks required on the packing list.

Caffey, a Kentucky native, petitioned her chain of command to rebranch from AG, citing her childhood spent at Heartland stables learning to ride western. She remains completely and utterly, not to mention blissfully, unaware that the modern day cavalry has hardly any horses except for seven small, ceremonial detachments, and no ponies whatsoever.

“It’s really strange that this packing list requires a kevlar helmet and not a proper riding one,” said Caffey. “Maybe once we get our sweet-ass Stetsons we’ll just wear those.”

Soldiers in the cavalry must purchase their own wide-brimmed hats, and they are not manufactured by Stetson.

Caffey added, “I can’t wait to visit the tack area at supply.”

“The decision to allow women in the cavalry was forced upon us,” said Maj. Gen. Michael A. Bills, 1st Cavalry Division Commander. “We’ll support the decision to move women into combat roles, but only if they can ride their tanks side saddle.”

*.*

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. Diane's 4-year-old son overheard some of his mother's private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we're going to name it, too."

"Really?" asked the lady.

"Yes." said the little boy, "If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits!"

*.*

How do you milk a sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1,500 for it.

Quote of the Times;
“One way to open your eyes is to ask yourself: What if I had never seen this before? What if I knew I would never see it again?” – Carson

Link of the Times;
https://www.hannity.com/media-room/christmas-came-early-feds-discover-largest-oil-reserve-ever-assessed-under-texas/

Issue of the Times;
Study: More than 7-in-10 California Immigrant Households Are on Welfare by John Binder

More than 7-in-10 households headed by immigrants in the state of California are on taxpayer-funded welfare, a new study reveals.

The latest Census Bureau data analyzed by the Center for Immigration Studies (CIS) finds that about 72 percent of households headed by noncitizens and immigrants use one or more forms of taxpayer-funded welfare programs in California — the number one immigrant-receiving state in the U.S.

Meanwhile, only about 35 percent of households headed by native-born Americans use welfare in California.

All four states with the largest foreign-born populations, including California, have extremely high use of welfare by immigrant households. In Texas, for example, nearly 70 percent of households headed by immigrants use taxpayer-funded welfare. Meanwhile, only about 35 percent of native-born households in Texas are on welfare.

In New York and Florida, a majority of households headed by immigrants and noncitizens are on welfare. Overall, about 63 percent of immigrant households use welfare while only 35 percent of native-born households use welfare.

President Trump’s administration is looking to soon implement a policy that protects American taxpayers’ dollars from funding the mass importation of welfare-dependent foreign nationals by enforcing a “public charge” rule whereby legal immigrants would be less likely to secure a permanent residency in the U.S. if they have used any forms of welfare in the past, including using Obamacare, food stamps, and public housing.

The immigration controls would be a boon for American taxpayers in the form of an annual $57.4 billion tax cut — the amount taxpayers spend every year on paying for the welfare, crime, and schooling costs of the country’s mass importation of 1.5 million new, mostly low-skilled legal immigrants.

As Breitbart News reported, the majority of the more than 1.5 million foreign nationals entering the country every year use about 57 percent more food stamps than the average native-born American household. Overall, immigrant households consume 33 percent more cash welfare than American citizen households and 44 percent more in Medicaid dollars. This straining of public services by a booming 44 million foreign-born population translates to the average immigrant household costing American taxpayers $6,234 in federal welfare.